I know those thoughts come in guilt only because I fear judgment from society. I fear judgment from friends and family that I am not doing anything worthwhile. I fear they will perceive me as being lazy and think of me as a loser. Those are the negative thoughts that consume me. Even so, I feel like I am finally awakening in me a passion for something that has been stagnant for most of my life. I am discovering that I need to be creative. I can no longer deny this part of myself.
I'm still uncovering things about myself through this blogging journey. When I started this blog, I planned on using it solely as an on-line journal. Right away it went in a completely different direction. I love writing and yet somehow, this blog has turned into so much more. I am discovering that I really enjoy taking photos. I like having assignments to do. It is fun and challenging. I am by no means even close to being talented in any area yet, but through this process, I now know that I have the potential to be really great at something creative.
I am unlocking the mask that has hidden this part of me for so long. The real me is emerging and I hope that my friends and family can appreciate this side of me.
Besides, not only am I not running a business any longer, but I am taking care of my husband in the same way I always did. The only difference is I don't have the added stress of deadlines and worry about my business to take away from the quality of our relationship. I no longer snap at him or feel resentful having to do it all. Now, I can take care of him and enjoy doing it. I really do enjoy it now. I love being a housewife. But I love pleasing myself more. Expressing my creativity makes me feel alive. It's what I'm meant to do. Now, I just need to find what it is I am good at or can become great at.