I was going to say that I'm feeling a little nostalgic today, but that's not it.
Rather, I think I'm feeling a little introspective.
I see myself in photos as a child and I seem perfectly happy.
I won't bore you with all my memories because I'm one of the rare breed who can remember things back to before I was two years old.
Sometimes I wonder if there was a turning point in my childhood that turned me into an insecure adult.
I'm not talking about a lack of confidence or capabilities.
I'm talking about my personal relationships.
Logically, I know there are people who love me.
My parents, my husband, my siblings and a few friends.
But to this day I've never really felt loved except by both sets of grandparents.
My mom's parents, Dewey and Hazel Knight, my papaw and mamaw really loved me with all of their hearts and I felt it deep inside.
I've never felt that with the rest of my family or my husband or anyone.
I'm not writing this because I'm unhappy.
I just wonder why I don't feel loved.
Sometimes I think I am just completely screwed up.
I hold too tightly to certain people in hope that I will someday feel their love for me.
But if I didn't have that hope, I wouldn't have such a rich imagination.
If I felt the love deep inside, I think it would enrich everything in my life.
I've let past behaviors cloud my judgment.
I'll do my best to live in the present moment and to cherish each interaction that is before me now.
Because that is the real thing, isn't it?
I still look at the sunny side of life and I am a cheerful person,
but sometimes,
like today,
I get tripped up.
Oh, would you look at that cuteness girl. I am so glad you found love from your grandparents. This post makes me think of your "People are just People" photo. Ya get what you get and you have to make the best of it. My father outright rejected 3 of us kids in favor of 1. It hurt like heck to be rejected from a parent - and I mean out of the will, don't tell them when I die kind of rejection. But that was my father...people are just people. Just some are more likable than others. :) And I think you are very likable.
ReplyDeleteI was loved by my grandparents too. That is one thing I am sure of. The love from a child you will feel. And I dont see you as insecure at all. I see you giving tons of love and like me you give more than you receive. We are all looking for love. But know this...Jesus loves you JL.
ReplyDelete<><
ps-great photo.
You'd probably have to ask yourself why you feel this way and then be brutally honest with your answers. Hugs to you. :)
ReplyDeleteJarieLyn, being a grandparent is so important to me because of how one set of grandparents made me feel, I want to give that to my grandkids. No other relationship of my life was as strong as that one with them. I've always felt that no-one has loved me as my grandies did. But I never expected other bonds to be that strong, so didn't question other relationships. I like Rebecca's comments. I also think you are very likable and lovable. Accept it and perhaps you won't question things. (I'm no good at this sort of stuff but wanted you know I think you are special.)
ReplyDelete