Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I was going to say that I'm feeling a little nostalgic today, but that's not it.
Rather, I think I'm feeling a little introspective.
I see myself in photos as a child and I seem perfectly happy.
I won't bore you with all my memories because I'm one of the rare breed who can remember things back to before I was two years old.
Sometimes I wonder if there was a turning point in my childhood that turned me into an insecure adult.
I'm not talking about a lack of confidence or capabilities.
I'm talking about my personal relationships.
Logically, I know there are people who love me.
My parents, my husband, my siblings and a few friends.
But to this day I've never really felt loved except by both sets of grandparents.
My mom's parents, Dewey and Hazel Knight, my papaw and mamaw really loved me with all of their hearts and I felt it deep inside.
I've never felt that with the rest of my family or my husband or anyone.
I'm not writing this because I'm unhappy.
I just wonder why I don't feel loved.
Sometimes I think I am just completely screwed up.
I hold too tightly to certain people in hope that I will someday feel their love for me.
But if I didn't have that hope, I wouldn't have such a rich imagination.
If I felt the love deep inside, I think it would enrich everything in my life.
I've let past behaviors cloud my judgment.
I'll do my best to live in the present moment and to cherish each interaction that is before me now.
Because that is the real thing, isn't it?
I still look at the sunny side of life and I am a cheerful person,
I get tripped up.