Sometimes I have to remind myself to be thankful for all that I have.
I have a tendency to daydream about a life that I wish I had
instead of living the life of my reality.
I have a really great husband who provides very well for me
and supports me in my endeavours.
He works really hard and he's honest and faithful and I trust him completely.
I'd say we have a pretty good marriage.
BUT
I wonder if he's really happy.
And
I think maybe I don't love him with the passion that he deserves.
And
that makes me feel really sad
because I do love him
and I want to be an excellent wife.
There must be something wrong with me
if I'm always dreaming of another life.
I've been questioning this for over ten years.
Can you believe it?
This other life I keep dreaming about haunts me as if I have lived it before
and I am longing to live that life again
and feel that passion .
Sometimes certain situations make my heart feel like it has been stabbed.
I expreienced that earlier this evening which prompted this post
but I cannot write about all that haunts me like a ghost
and taunts me like the betrayal of an ex lover.
I don't know if any of you believe in reincarnation and past lives
but I do
and that's what this post is all about.
I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense to most of you
and I probably sound like I was just released from the looney bin
but I just had to get some of this out because If I didn't write it here
it would have unleashed itself elsewhere in a much more negative way
and that is what I'm trying to avoid.
It's as if what is occuring has happened to me before in a former life
and it caused unbearable heartbreak
that was devastating.
I don't know where this is coming from but I feel that heartbreak deep inside my soul.
It's as if history is repeating itself and I don't know how to change the outcome.
I feel the spirit or soul of another living inside of me
and sometimes the pain is gut wrenching.
I'm frustrated a lot because no one believes me.
They think this is just some fantasy that I dreamed up.
I am sorry to leave out so many details but I don't think it's necessary at this time.
It would be nice if just one person understood where I was coming from
and could validate my experience so I don't go around thinking I'm crazy.
I will be the at least ONE person who knows you are not crazy. I used to have similar (not identical) feelings. This is probably you growing and changing and fearing a little that you do not know where it will lead.
ReplyDeletei understand !
ReplyDeleteif you go back to my blog about a year ago, something different in my life was going on and i couldn't write with details either....but my writing was different, because i was different....because i wasn't me and their were new people in my life which made me think differently and absolutely feel differently and my words were deep.....
i understand !
Hugs Jerilyn. I do believe in reincarnation and have moment of dejavu but have never experience the angst you are experiencing.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I 'think' that those of us who are thinkers, daydreamers and introspective people struggle with thoughts like yours. I often daydream about other avenues my life could take, but then it's not really my life, cause my life is the one I'm living. Ah well. I always believed I was created by God for a purpose in life. That he had a plan for me before I was even born. It is a comforting thought...I never felt I had been reincarnated though.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find some peace in your thoughts soon. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteJarieLyn, I haven't the foggiest idea what you are going through. I'm too un-dreamy, unimaginative. But know that your path is your path and you can only walk it the best way you know how. I think there are times in our lives when we come to other paths and we pause, wondering which way to go. I believe whichever path we choose is the right one for us. It seems to me you may be at one of those places where the doubt creeps in. Have faith!
ReplyDeleteI believe you JL. I have often had these feelings. I wonder at times, is this all there is. What am I doing here. Where am I going. What do I do. Why dont I do better. But I live and I love and sooner or later the answers will come. I was thinking of going to see a median. You are not alone in the way your think or feel.
ReplyDelete<><
There are many people who feel like there are "residuals" from past lives impacting their current life. There is something called past life regression (a form of hypnosis) if you are really interested in exploring it. Also, a great book about past lives is "Many Lives, Many Masters".
ReplyDeleteWow. I certainly don't think your are crazy. You may be having past life flash backs. Any chance of going to a psychologist trained in past life regression?
ReplyDeleteI believe my soul mate died when we were just 19 and 20. He died of a drug overdose. For years I had dreams about him. In every dream my heart would pound every time I saw him. And then one time after my children were born I had a dream that I saw him "in some sort of class room," but he looked different, even though I recognized him. A friend that I was talking to said - "look who is over there!" I remember all the same symptoms - unbelievable joy and heart pounding excitement. But then I told him I was happy and my husband and children were very important to me. He turned and walked away, and I've never dreamed of him again.
JarieLyn,
ReplyDeleteI think we all play the "what-if" game. Imagining how our lives might have been different. And we all at times take our life for granted & don't bother to stop and count our blessings.
As to reincarnation...sometimes I believe, sometimes I don't. Myself I don't feel as if I've lived before, but yet I have experienced DejaVu many times. So who knows.
But if you can get it out of your system by telling us about it,then you need to know that you have a willing audience in me and I hope that it helps just to know that someone else understands.
Take care my friend!
Alicia
You are asking some really big questions here. But don't doubt yourself, and don't underestimate what you have accomplished. The path you are on may not be a straight one, but it's the right one.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I've been thinking of you JarieLyn. I miss your posts! Hope things are going ok.
ReplyDeleteJerilyn, I understand, and I believe in reincarnation.
ReplyDeleteWhy not take that "other life" and write a novel.
Sol recommended Many Lives and Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss--all his books are excellent.
Nancy mentioned the soulmate thing...and I am very familiar with that in my life...and sometimes although the recognition from a past life is there, it cannot be this time around. That can be painful and can cause grief. And that can take time to work through. But hey, it helps a bunch to know you're not crazy LOL